We all express love in unique ways, and often, our partner’s love language may differ significantly from our own.

This can lead to confusion and frustration if we're not aware of it.

In our experience, we discovered just how different our love languages were early in our marriage—and how important it is to understand one another’s needs.

Mike’s top love language is Words of Affirmation. He feels most loved when he hears kind, encouraging words from me—whether it’s a simple compliment, a heartfelt message, or verbal praise for his efforts. Words help him feel validated, appreciated, and emotionally connected.

On the flip side, Words of Affirmation is the lowest love language on my list.

While I certainly appreciate kind words, they don’t have the same deep impact on me as they do for Mike. For me, gifts are the most meaningful. I feel most loved when Mike sees something and thinks of me. When I can have something tangible to use or admire. 

It's important to understand that love languages for the individual can change throughout different seasons in life. Having constant communication about needs, wants and expectations will help navigate how you like to give and receive love.

The Importance of Discovering Your Partner’s Love Language

Our Journey of Working with Different Love Languages

Mike and I have different love languages, and for a long time, this mismatch caused tension in our relationship. While he would shower me with words of encouragement, assuming it was what I needed, I was yearning for thoughtful gifts that showed he truly saw and appreciated me. At the same time, I’d try to express my love through giving gifts or thoughtful gestures, expecting him to feel loved in the same way. But Mike craved verbal affirmation. We were speaking different languages and didn’t realize it—he was looking for reassurance through words, while I found love in the tangible.

Gifts have always held a special meaning to me. From as young as I can remember, I loved wrapping my own toys to give to my mom and sister, just to see their smiles. When my sister started dating her now-husband, one of the first things he did was give me a cookbook, knowing how much I loved to cook. It wasn’t for a holiday or occasion—it was “just because.” That simple, thoughtful gesture stuck with me, and I still cherish that cookbook more than 15 years later!

Recently, this love language played out in a moment that warmed my heart. I was at a store and saw a beautiful pair of earrings that immediately caught my eye. I snapped a picture and texted it to Mike, saying, “If you’re looking for a Christmas gift idea, these would be perfect.” To my surprise, he didn’t hesitate—he drove to the store right away and bought them. I would have purchased them myself and put his name on them, but the line was too long. The fact that he dropped everything to make sure I had something I truly loved spoke volumes to me.

Learning to speak each other’s love language didn’t come naturally, and it took time and intentional effort. For Mike, it meant understanding how much thoughtfulness in gift-giving matters to me. It’s not about the value of the gift but the thought and care behind it. For me, it meant stepping out of my comfort zone and learning to give verbal affirmation—the kind that Mike thrives on—even when it didn’t feel as instinctive as giving a gift or gesture.

Over time, we’ve grown to appreciate the beauty of our differences. Instead of trying to change one another, we’ve learned to celebrate the unique ways we express and receive love. That effort has transformed how we connect and deepened our relationship in ways I never imagined.

When we finally embraced our differences and learned to speak each other’s love languages, we noticed a huge shift in our connection. Mike felt more loved when I took the time to offer verbal affirmations, and I felt more supported when he would get me a gift. This doesn’t mean that we don’t still have moments where we forget to speak the other’s love language—it’s an ongoing practice—but we’ve come to realize that love is about giving our partner what they need, not necessarily what feels easiest for us.

Understanding and speaking your spouse’s love language fosters a deeper sense of connection and intimacy. It shows your partner that you’re not just expressing love in your way, but in a way that makes them feel loved. It requires a little more effort and sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone, but the rewards are immeasurable.

It's important to value what type of love your partner is giving, even if it's not in the love language you'd prefer. If you shut down your partner when they are trying to show you love, it can create bitterness and resentment that will make connection significantly more difficult.

Why It’s Important to Speak Your Partner’s Love Language

Tips for Discovering and Understanding Your Partner’s Love Language

Take the Quiz Together
One of the easiest ways to start is by both taking the free Five Love Languages quiz (available on Dr. Chapman’s website). This will help you understand your own and your partner’s primary love languages, making it easier to communicate and express love in a meaningful way.

Pay Attention to Reactions
Observe how your partner reacts to different expressions of affection. If they light up when you do something for them, it’s a sign that Acts of Service may be their primary love language. If they seem to appreciate a heartfelt compliment, Words of Affirmation might resonate more.

Be Patient and Willing to Adapt
Learning to speak your partner’s love language might not happen overnight. It’s a journey of discovery and adaptation. Be patient with each other, and don’t be afraid to communicate openly about your needs and feelings.

Practice Daily
Consistently applying your partner’s love language in small ways every day is key to maintaining a loving, fulfilling relationship. Whether it's leaving a sticky note with a kind message or doing a chore without being asked, these small acts of love build a stronger bond over time.